dying well & a case of mistaken identity

2008-03-27T21:20:54Z

I do not die well but, then, I am just a person. And, as a human being, aren’t I supposed to rage against death? Aren’t I programmed with some sort of trigger that tells my brain to run away from fire and to not touch a hot stove and to beware of swift waters? I’m pretty sure it’s there – I’m pretty sure it’s the same thing that tells me to run away when I feel scared or when I’m overwhelmed. I’m also pretty sure that I’m made by a Creator who put fight and flight in my genes. What, then, could be more natural than running from what hurts me?

Sacrifice hurts me. I’m sure it hurts others too but I just hate it. I mean, if I’m being honest, I’d have to wonder who even wants it. Not me. I will be truthful here. I want what I want when I want it and it’s very hard for me to deal with waiting or hearing no. It’s very hard for me to understand why I would be denied something if God is the God of love. I am an idealist, you see, and I normally think something like, “but this would be perfect if…..” I am easily disappointed when it does not work out as I had planned. I will even admit that I get angry (at Him, at life, at myself) if things do not work out. And, that makes it nearly impossible to find any joy in walking with Christ.

But…shouldn’t I, belonging to Jesus, fight the fear of death? Shouldn’t I fight the fear of pain? Shouldn’t I want to lay down every thing, every moment, and every person in my life? Shouldn’t I long to die to my cravings? I should want to die with joy. I should want to find all my happiness in Him but I find that so hard. I find it nearly impossible to do, in fact. It’s so much easier to let go and spend time floating around in my own head. It’s so much easier to give in to my weaknesses and, when the pressure is too much, hop in the boxcar and ride out of town (the boxcar has always been my favorite).

My boxcar has taken me many places. I have been Here and There and nearly Everywhere but my favorite destination has always been Away. Away is a great place. The sky is bluer and the traffic is lighter and the people are friendlier and there are no complications. The children are always polite and the dogs never shed and the movies always have perfect endings. It is always sunny unless you want it to rain. It is always warm unless you want snow. The flowers bloom and the bees buzz but never sting you. The only problem with Away is that, once you get there, it’s no longer Away. It’s Here. And Here has just as many problems as There.

Here’s what I, a seasoned traveler, have learned. You never arrive at Away. You see it from afar but you are just moving from Here to There. The tracks between Here and There are long and rusty and allow only one thing: sameness.

But….I don’t want sameness. I want change. I want TO change. I want to be happy in Jesus every single day of my life. I want Him to be my center and I want to realize that He is the part of me that I am missing. I want to die well for Him – I want to WANT to sacrifice. I want to be glad in giving up that one thing that is currently crushing me. I want to give up all the little things that push me and pull me until I am dreaming of Away.

I want to really learn that I was made for Jesus. That's why I am here (that's pretty much why you're here too). I was made for Him and by Him and only He will satisfy my soul. And, no matter how many people or things I try to mistake Him for, He is the only thing that will ever be better than Away.

Hisloveneverdies

2007-10-28T00:28:31Z

i sit here listening to the heartbeat of a home. there is a television blaring the latest football scores, a dog snoring sleepily beside the couch, and a little voice that is too wired to sleep chatting to her dolls upstairs. it's not my home and i sometimes wonder if something like this will ever be mine. i was a little frustrated when all my friends started marrying their sweethearts and i was still single. now, they are all having babies and i am still single. what's a girl to do? i wonder if the girl is supposed to run around carrie bradshaw-style and try out every make and model until she is satisfied that she's satisfied. i wonder if the girl is supposed to "let go and let God" (that strangely disconcerting mantra that so many churchy people repeat to themselves). i wonder if the girl is supposed to look but with discernment.

i never know. i am socially inept when it comes to guy-girl things. i have always been ashamed of my body - that awful shell that developed first in my class leaving me to ridicule and jealousy and, eventually, a food-induced coma. i have allowed myself to be consumed with food and have allowed myself to live in a fantasy land that has no benefit other than to soothe the ache inside my heart temporarily.

i recently joined weight watchers and have done really well on program (pat on my own back) and am feeling confident that i am not an unfortunately mangeled fire-vicitm but am fearfully and wonderfully made. i think this confidence is beginning to show. a playfulness that was never present is now here in full force and i find myself becoming the person i've always wanted to be. i hear a lot of women who have reached goal say that the skinny person within them was screaming to get out. i don't think i was large enough for another person to live inside me but the love for life i always wanted to exude is now able to find its way out of the deep dark prison it had been in for so long. do people notice? are people drawn to that? are men drawn to that? i would have to say no. if so, they are mighty quiet about it.

of course, i am not at goal. i have a bit of a road ahead of me. but do looks really matter on that scale? i mean really? i guess it depends on the girl and the guy. of course, i know of a girl who was engaged when she was 100lbs overweight. everyone says, "how amazing that the guy could see through all that and love her anyway." i always think, "how amazing that she let herself be loved when she was that overweight." i think that is a huge thing... allowing yourself to be loved. that is very hard for me.

and why do i write this? really? am i really so depressed over the fact that, at twenty-old, i am not married, not a mom, not even dating? or am i really so depressed because i don't know how to be loved? i think it's the latter. i have a very hard time allowing people to love me the way they want or need to. i have a very hard time thinking i'm the center of someone's world. or at least, an off-center piece of it. all this to say, i have a hard time letting Christ love me the way He is supposed to. i like for Him to love me a little. i like for Him to love me enough to just let me be. but love me enough to truly change me? that's another deal entirely. i often wonder if i should let Him love me enough to truly know me and am then reminded that the One who made me clearly knows me. how do you maintain an intimate relationship with Someone you cannot see? His word tells us that we will be rewarded greatly for a faith like that. Lord, please grant me that faith.

i have no idea what this love is. i have no idea how to let it be. i have no idea how to let myself be loved. i think, deep down inside, i feel completely, miserably unlovable. and i have always wanted a man to fix that for me. show me how i am okay to be loved - show me that i'm worth something. when, in reality, Christ has always been there saying, "you are worth something and I love you." nothing is more astonishing than realizing that hisloveneverdies.

This face means nothing
These hands feel nothing
These lungs are empty
These eyes are blind
This face means nothing
These hands feel nothing
But I'm here and this heart is yours
Our love never dies

borrowedveins77

dying well & a case of mistaken identity

Hisloveneverdies